Music: River by Tatsuya Ishii

At work today, my colleague asked me.. So kirah, what do want to achieve in life? I was in a playful mood so I answered nonchalantly.

Contrary to the useless things I usually talk about here, I've actually given that question some thought lately. But that's about it. Its not my character/nature to be pro actively work towards a goal. I don't even have goals in life, apart from wanting to have lots and lots of money (who doesn't?). Even so, its not like I'm doing anything about it. Of course, its only natural for girls/women like me to want to get married, have kids, the works. But the idea of starting a family that seems a little far fetched for me, at least for the next few years. Plus I don't think I'm cut for it, ever. But how do you know if you're ready or not? I guess its not a matter of being ready or not, just face it head on when the time comes, and deal with it along the way.

Comparing the me a year ago to the me now, its obvious that I have not progressed much, maybe not at all. Heck, I'm pretty much the same compared to 4-5 years ago. The things I do. The only difference is that I have a job now. My only consolation is that I at least I have a decent and somewhat important job that I absolutely like for the time being. Oh, and I have a house under my name now, thanks to my mom. I couldn't afford it if it was just me.

I've been toying with the idea of pursuing a masters degree. But in what? MBA would be a good and smart choice, but I'm totally uninterested in that. Considering that I stay on in TNB, the glaring choice would be power engineering. And to make myself more credible, I'm thinking of getting my Ir. But thing is, its a difficult path. Not impossible, but a lot of effort is needed. For a comp eng degree holder like me, its not plausible for me to take up power eng, not even masters in EE, because I don't have all the pre-reqs subjects under my belt. I have to get that out of the way first, then only think about masters. Another way would be to sit for the BEM/IEM exams, which does have the reputation of being freakishly tough. On top of that, there will be lots of studying to do.. and papers to write. The thought of studying and the pressure of exams just makes me go blearghh every time. Of course, there will be interviews as well. The road to getting an Ir is pretty rough, which is totally reasonable, but here I am, complaining. No pain no gain, huh? I lack motivation, complacency is what I like. Breezing through life is what I love. I say to myself all the time, I've got ample time, there's no rush, I'm only 25. But time flies. How long will I be making excuses, god knows.

When I see my friends setting up businesses, doing part time jobs, furthering studies, etc, achieving something and doing useful things , I feel down and sometimes worthless. But when I think of how I'm living my life right now, I feel happy again. I really am happy, life has been good to me. But it also doesn't take a genius to know that what we do now will determine our future. Its one thing to realize all this, but its another to not do anything about it, and I'm not doing anything about it. And its not like I'm gonna start doing anything after all this rambling. Maybe I need a gut wrenching and soul breaking event to happen for a reality check, then maybe I can jump start my life and start having achievements that's worth talking about. But I pray to god the latter would happen and not the former.

At the end of the day, I'm still watching animes and jdramas and going head over heels over random cute japanese actors/singers. Sigh?