Six days ago (Tuesday), my neighbor was found dead. Cause of death: suicide. The police found him dead with a 'self-inflicted gunshot wound'. Hmm.. I didn't hear any gunshots though. I wasn't really friends with him, naturally I didn't feel sad when I heard the news. No effect on me whatsoever. The police did ask me a few questions though.. like when was the last time I saw him (sometime during finals week in April), when was the last time I 'heard' him (about 3 days ago, there's always this thudding sounds coming from his living room), are the stuffs outside our hallway his (yup, there's boxes.. chairs.. tables.. tempat exercise yg macam basikal.. and a bunch of other craps), since when (at least 3 months ago)..

I didn't remember his name, even after I received 3 "surat cinta" from him last year, haha. When the University Housing distributed a notice to all residents in my building re his death, I saw his full name written.. barulah aku "Oh ye, nama mamat ni Ken". When the police and DPS were busy cleaning his room.. I was busy dancing my feet(?) off in a DDR marathon at Wahida's room (ground floor under Ken's room hahah), and before that we were celebrating Zul's birthday.

The next morning, aku terbangun because of a reaaallllyyy strong smell.. no no bukan the stench of the body or anything like that.. ni bau bahan pencuci.. damn.. these people must've really cleaned up Ken's apartment.. his bathroom to be more specific, that's where the smell was the strongest.. it traveled to my own bathroom.. he killed himself in the bathtub maybe?

What "surat cinta" you ask? Heheh.. non other than asking me to turn down my speaker volume between 10pm and 7am, heheh. Dia kata dia tidur awal every night.. and sometimes he had to sleep in the living room because my bass (subwoofer) was too loud (the wall between our bedrooms were only 3 inches thick, or so he claimed). At first, I usually forgot to fulfill his request.. and he would leave the notes on my door to remind me, and never failed to mention he had a difficult time to sleep the past few days because of the thumping sound.. lama2 I became used to it.. macam automatically I will turn my speaker volume down come 10pm.. by default. But sometime last week, as I was about to do my "routine".. I suddenly remembered.. "Oh wait.. my neighbor is dead.. I don't have to care anymore".. omg.. that felt weird.. the statement itself sounded weird.. how can I be so casual when my neighbor just commited suicide? I guess it can't be helped..

However, I did feel a little guilty. Not because of the fact that my speaker disturbed him.. I didn't receive any notes/complains from him for at least half a year, so I assumed he wasn't annoyed with me and I have been doing okay. I felt guilty because.. the last time I saw him.. I was coming back from class or exam tak ingat, he was just heading out. I was climbing the stairs, so he waited to give way to me. I ignored him (even though he didn't complain anymore, I still thought he didn't really like me), and suddenly he said.. "HI!".. Aku terkejut sikit.. then replied his greeting.. and went into my room. I felt that I was rude.. but I brushed it off.. who cares.. I said to myself. I was actually thinking about this when I knew he committed suicide.. and I felt guilty because I thought if only I could've been nicer to him at that moment.. yeah yeah maybe this sounds like nothing to anybody but it is something to me. This is the only regret that I have, but nothing too severe that I'd suffer from mental/emotional breakdown.. heheh.. sihat je aku sekarang ni.

Most people (Malaysian community kat Northwood) seem to take this matter lightly, which I don't really care anyway.. But the jokes.. for example..

"haa kirah, kalau ada org ketuk2 pintu kau malam2.. jgn bukak"
"wey kau tak takut ke hantu.. etc etc.."
"aku rasa dia bunuh diri sbb kau selalu buat bising aa kirah"

and many more.. well.. it's just a little unsettling. I can accept lah lawak2 macam ni.. layan je lah. But somehow I felt slightly uncomfortable.. Why make fun of dead people? If it's a person you know, or your own relative, or whatever.. kalau dengar some stranger say stuffs like this, wouldn't you feel mad? Cakap pasal hantu2.. so you think every dead person becomes a ghost ke apa? So he died.. dah la..habis cerita.. right? Memanglah roh org2 yg bunuh diri tak diterima langit dan bumi, but that doesn't mean the roh will kacau aku, or anybody for that matter... right? Hehehh.. I hope I didn't sound over dramatic or upset, cause I'm not. For the record, I'm not lashing out at anybody in particular ok. I can't even remember who said what hahaha.


So note to self, and others hopefully.. seboleh-bolehnya.. buat lah baik kat semua org.. no matter whaaawtt, tak kisah tgh bad mood ka, bengang ka, pms ka, tension ka, etc etc...because you never know what lies ahead.