Music: Dreaming of Water by Lucid Fall
Today my Prof told me to take a break..
He said my brain is about to explode from all the work that I've done..
Little did he know that I spent the weekend watching four movies and finished a book..
The book is a memoir of a war child soldier in Sierra Leone, on the side of the army, more than 10 years ago
I've always thought only the rebels' side recruit and train child soldiers.. like Joseph Kony
So I was surprised with this one.
What the author experienced, is truly sad, no doubt.
Another book that make me realize that my life is good, i had a wonderful childhood..
Despite my 'troubles', my silly silly troubles, in comparison.
However, I couldn't give the book a high rating (I rated 3/5 in goodreads)
The mediocre rating has nothing to do with the contents, which were superb and revealing..
Its actually because of the writing..
I do feel sort of guilty for 'complaining' about writing styles of the author, when the takeaway should be his tragic story of such a traumatic and brutal childhood.. a real life story.
However, imagine if it was fiction instead, I would have no qualms about criticizing writing styles, would I?
I'm just saying...
There are so many books in the library calling me out... read me... read me.... read ME....
I haven't even read the books that I ordered, which the library has bought since last year.. sigh...
So anyway..
I feel down today.. just one of those days, when it comes more stronger than usual..
When the tears fall down more readily..
Actually, its not easy for me to be happy nowadays..
Most of the time its all just pretending to smile.. or laugh..
Of course there are times that I'm genuine though..
I have to literally remind myself every day... "no matter what happens, always be in a good mood"
I don't want to regret saying things I don't really mean (which I've done to a certain someone more often than I'd like to admit).
Sometimes its just easier to avoid the crowd altogether (but still, I have to go to classes)..
I avoid the cafeteria the most, I go to sleep hungry when I skip lunch and/or dinner..
My stomach is empty right now, haha.
Sometimes I will raid the kitchen at night for food..
Or buy some biscuits from the mini mart..
I'm not depressed.. I think definitely not.
I'm just unhappy.. nobody can help me but myself, i know that.
Well, I've read enough about depression to know that what is real depression..
And when people misuse the word when they say things like, "aku depress hari ni", which I've said a bunch of times myself.
I haven't really been a good friend to anyone here..
Hence nobody thinks of me as a good friend either, i suppose..
And I don't feel like I have any good friends here anyway..
The few people whom have been, have sort of become distant..
Maybe I've hurt or disappointed them with my behavior..
There's no one to blame but myself, I have been shutting myself out anyway..
People do get tired of trying after a while, right?
On my worst days, I will go so far as to feel like I don't deserve to be happy..
Well, no sane, rational, strong person would think that, would they?
So I'm just being overly melodramatic I guess..
Yes I am... probably.
Like tonight.
Its all in my imagination.
I am well.
I am alright.
I am going to sleep.
Today my Prof told me to take a break..
He said my brain is about to explode from all the work that I've done..
Little did he know that I spent the weekend watching four movies and finished a book..
The book is a memoir of a war child soldier in Sierra Leone, on the side of the army, more than 10 years ago
I've always thought only the rebels' side recruit and train child soldiers.. like Joseph Kony
So I was surprised with this one.
What the author experienced, is truly sad, no doubt.
Another book that make me realize that my life is good, i had a wonderful childhood..
Despite my 'troubles', my silly silly troubles, in comparison.
However, I couldn't give the book a high rating (I rated 3/5 in goodreads)
The mediocre rating has nothing to do with the contents, which were superb and revealing..
Its actually because of the writing..
I do feel sort of guilty for 'complaining' about writing styles of the author, when the takeaway should be his tragic story of such a traumatic and brutal childhood.. a real life story.
However, imagine if it was fiction instead, I would have no qualms about criticizing writing styles, would I?
I'm just saying...
There are so many books in the library calling me out... read me... read me.... read ME....
I haven't even read the books that I ordered, which the library has bought since last year.. sigh...
So anyway..
I feel down today.. just one of those days, when it comes more stronger than usual..
When the tears fall down more readily..
Actually, its not easy for me to be happy nowadays..
Most of the time its all just pretending to smile.. or laugh..
Of course there are times that I'm genuine though..
I have to literally remind myself every day... "no matter what happens, always be in a good mood"
I don't want to regret saying things I don't really mean (which I've done to a certain someone more often than I'd like to admit).
Sometimes its just easier to avoid the crowd altogether (but still, I have to go to classes)..
I avoid the cafeteria the most, I go to sleep hungry when I skip lunch and/or dinner..
My stomach is empty right now, haha.
Sometimes I will raid the kitchen at night for food..
Or buy some biscuits from the mini mart..
I'm not depressed.. I think definitely not.
I'm just unhappy.. nobody can help me but myself, i know that.
Well, I've read enough about depression to know that what is real depression..
And when people misuse the word when they say things like, "aku depress hari ni", which I've said a bunch of times myself.
I haven't really been a good friend to anyone here..
Hence nobody thinks of me as a good friend either, i suppose..
And I don't feel like I have any good friends here anyway..
The few people whom have been, have sort of become distant..
Maybe I've hurt or disappointed them with my behavior..
There's no one to blame but myself, I have been shutting myself out anyway..
People do get tired of trying after a while, right?
On my worst days, I will go so far as to feel like I don't deserve to be happy..
Well, no sane, rational, strong person would think that, would they?
So I'm just being overly melodramatic I guess..
Yes I am... probably.
Like tonight.
Its all in my imagination.
I am well.
I am alright.
I am going to sleep.
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