Music: This Feeling by Alabama Shakes
Discovered this song from the series Big Little Lies. Looking forward to the second season and more songs. The soundtrack's awesome.
Some months ago I posted a message on IG story, a personal one, which I kinda regret, in retrospect (reproduced below, for my own amusement when I come back from the future to read my old posts lol). Not regret on the things I said, but rather because I let people read it, those who bothered to see my story anyway. I'm not one that's very public with my feelings. In fact, I'm quite the Oscar winner when it comes to hiding my true emotions (except anger, this one's a bit tricky). But what's the difference with writing in this blog? Nobody really visits this blog ever. Who has time to read blogs for fun, let alone write in one, nowadays? Plus, whomever who reads will forget the minute they move on to other things. That's just how people are. We are not called insan (forgetful) without a reason.
Anyway, the reason I'm bringing this up today is because, I'm starting to feel it again. I'm not sure whether having these down-phases is a normal thing that other people also go through, but it is definitely not a stranger where I am concerned. Its becoming increasingly easier for me to identify when it starts to appear though. One of the most obvious symptoms is when I start to yearn to go somewhere. The magnitude of the plans I conjure up in my head serves as an indication on the potential level of "severity" of the approaching down-phase. And this evening during my drive home in the heavy rain, not at all bothered by the traffic nor the fact that I drive a stick shift, with emotions further augmented by melancholy music courtesy of Sam Smith, my mind truly wandered and the travel plans got bigger and bigger, ideas came pouring in as if I'm responding to the thunderstorms, literally. Typically, my mind will be thinking of such a complex web of ideas, where the visions of possible destinations, the silhouette of my yet unknown travel partner (if any), the inexplicable feeling of traveling alone, the mental calculation on costs that would be incurred, the scanning of the best dates and duration of travel which my boss would likely approve my leave, these and many other ideas in my head all at once like fireworks.. explosion in my brain!! It's a wonder how I managed to pay attention to driving. The brain is truly a powerhouse, a miracle worker. Ok I digress.
Another obvious symptom is when I have no desire to socialize, preferring to be alone. Today I didn't go to the office, I did a drive-through punch in at HQ, then decided to go hike, clear my head. Would've hiked longer but alas I didn't eat much the day before nor breakfast this morning and I could feel my face becoming paler by the minute. It does sound unethical of me for skipping work. I justified it to myself though, the day before I diligently did work since morning and through lunch, and up until half past midnight. I was so engrossed I didn't remember to eat or drink. That would make up for the lost work hours today when I played hooky. Then again, after the hike I continued doing work for a few hours, of which the product I am secretly proud of. I think I did a pretty good job synthesizing the important points and takeaways, so all that reading the past 2 weeks trying to make sense of the most complicated capacity market design in the world was not all for nothing.
I guess another symptom is when the tears seems easier to fall given the slightest of triggers. Had to sort out something really gross (insect-related) a couple of days ago. I was extremely freaked out and a good tear or two came down. Then just a few hours ago, was watching a chick flick (Me Before You) which I have already seen before, my eyes welled up like an erupting volcano and I had to resort to changing channels to avoid my mom noticing haha. Funnily enough she wanted to watch the World Cup, and my dad was nowhere to be seen. With my crying disrupted, I still needed to sorta let it all out, watched Victoria & Abdul in my room but wasn't a really good choice to induce any tears.
I hope I can nip this round of down-phase in the bud though. I got a lot of things on my plate the next few weeks, can't afford to have an effed up brain distracting me. Anyhow, yesterday a good friend called me up for breakfast, and the next thing I know, I've officially started giving out my CV to be prostituted haha, and the same day my friend forwarded my CV to her colleague working at one of the big four.
Crack a bottle and take one day at a time.
Discovered this song from the series Big Little Lies. Looking forward to the second season and more songs. The soundtrack's awesome.
Some months ago I posted a message on IG story, a personal one, which I kinda regret, in retrospect (reproduced below, for my own amusement when I come back from the future to read my old posts lol). Not regret on the things I said, but rather because I let people read it, those who bothered to see my story anyway. I'm not one that's very public with my feelings. In fact, I'm quite the Oscar winner when it comes to hiding my true emotions (except anger, this one's a bit tricky). But what's the difference with writing in this blog? Nobody really visits this blog ever. Who has time to read blogs for fun, let alone write in one, nowadays? Plus, whomever who reads will forget the minute they move on to other things. That's just how people are. We are not called insan (forgetful) without a reason.
Anyway, the reason I'm bringing this up today is because, I'm starting to feel it again. I'm not sure whether having these down-phases is a normal thing that other people also go through, but it is definitely not a stranger where I am concerned. Its becoming increasingly easier for me to identify when it starts to appear though. One of the most obvious symptoms is when I start to yearn to go somewhere. The magnitude of the plans I conjure up in my head serves as an indication on the potential level of "severity" of the approaching down-phase. And this evening during my drive home in the heavy rain, not at all bothered by the traffic nor the fact that I drive a stick shift, with emotions further augmented by melancholy music courtesy of Sam Smith, my mind truly wandered and the travel plans got bigger and bigger, ideas came pouring in as if I'm responding to the thunderstorms, literally. Typically, my mind will be thinking of such a complex web of ideas, where the visions of possible destinations, the silhouette of my yet unknown travel partner (if any), the inexplicable feeling of traveling alone, the mental calculation on costs that would be incurred, the scanning of the best dates and duration of travel which my boss would likely approve my leave, these and many other ideas in my head all at once like fireworks.. explosion in my brain!! It's a wonder how I managed to pay attention to driving. The brain is truly a powerhouse, a miracle worker. Ok I digress.
Another obvious symptom is when I have no desire to socialize, preferring to be alone. Today I didn't go to the office, I did a drive-through punch in at HQ, then decided to go hike, clear my head. Would've hiked longer but alas I didn't eat much the day before nor breakfast this morning and I could feel my face becoming paler by the minute. It does sound unethical of me for skipping work. I justified it to myself though, the day before I diligently did work since morning and through lunch, and up until half past midnight. I was so engrossed I didn't remember to eat or drink. That would make up for the lost work hours today when I played hooky. Then again, after the hike I continued doing work for a few hours, of which the product I am secretly proud of. I think I did a pretty good job synthesizing the important points and takeaways, so all that reading the past 2 weeks trying to make sense of the most complicated capacity market design in the world was not all for nothing.
I guess another symptom is when the tears seems easier to fall given the slightest of triggers. Had to sort out something really gross (insect-related) a couple of days ago. I was extremely freaked out and a good tear or two came down. Then just a few hours ago, was watching a chick flick (Me Before You) which I have already seen before, my eyes welled up like an erupting volcano and I had to resort to changing channels to avoid my mom noticing haha. Funnily enough she wanted to watch the World Cup, and my dad was nowhere to be seen. With my crying disrupted, I still needed to sorta let it all out, watched Victoria & Abdul in my room but wasn't a really good choice to induce any tears.
I hope I can nip this round of down-phase in the bud though. I got a lot of things on my plate the next few weeks, can't afford to have an effed up brain distracting me. Anyhow, yesterday a good friend called me up for breakfast, and the next thing I know, I've officially started giving out my CV to be prostituted haha, and the same day my friend forwarded my CV to her colleague working at one of the big four.
Crack a bottle and take one day at a time.
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