Mind Boggling

Music: Duerme Duerme Negrito by Victor Jara

How do we explain..

Switching between states of sadness and happiness in mere seconds? 

Consciousness and blankness?

Focusness and day-dreaming?

Motivation and laziness?

Will power and utter hopelessness?

I can't figure it out in definite terms..

But it has got to do with the interactions with our surroundings.. This i know as much. 

For example, today i went from having no mood to do anything, to completely in full gear working on my research for my thesis. It took some time but as my cousin told me once before, just do it and the rest will just follow.. Forcing yourself to stop procrastinating and start doing is a feat in itself.

I was on a roll, when suddenly the results turned out to be disappointing. I was stuck. I wasn't demotivated and kept on with further research.. When suddenly some messages came in (thus, surrounding) that totally disturbed my already fragile state of mind. After what seemed like a good day, i started with my crazy thoughts and the wave of sadness started creeping in. And the tears came rolling down without warning. 

Even so, i could still do my work, rationally and with a clear head, despite the state i was in. Bewildering, no?

At the same time, my ipod was on shuffle.. When suddenly a song by Victor Jara came on (again, surrounding). His songs, in my mind, are associated with good memories of my travel in South America, in Peru to be specific. And all of a sudden, i was transported into the state i was in when i sat in that taxi cab, driving up the Andes Mountain. It was pure bliss, and i remember that exact moment, how i felt back then.. And a wave of pleasure and happiness just swept me off.. The visions, experience, elation, all came rushing back... A few minutes later i was left with this poignant feeling.. Followed by melancholy.. I had to sustain whatever good feeling i was having, so i looped the whole Victor Jara album i had.. Just to hold on to this fleeting feelings of happiness... 

But alas every good thing comes to and end sooner or later.. And i came back to reality with the horrible results of my research.. However, satisfaction also prevailed because problems that i did not foresee had surfaced, and i can move forward by finding solutions (read: engineer at work). Positive thinking coupled with mild depression is complicated to fathom, no?

Since no work could be done any further, i came back to my room to watch a movie, which coincidentally, was about depression.. but it was so interesting i was quite intrigued..

And another message came in from a good friend (again, surrounding) and whatever that made me sad earlier was gone.. replaced w feelings of gratefulness and love.

so many emotions experienced in a span of a few hours..

So how do we explain it? 

Instead of being a typical engineer and trying to figure it out, lets just embrace the fact that we should be grateful to be able to feel and experience these myriads of emotions, be rational and crazy at the same time. 

It's good to be alive.